When she was a cast member who spent most of her time working at the Main Gate or in the (now non-existent) Penny Arcade, my friend Cindy compiled a list of stupid questions she and other cast members had been asked in the park. Cindy says:
These were questions we got (I wrote most of them, but a couple of other people I worked with at the time contributed a few as well) either at the Main Gate, at one of the arcades, or walking about "in costume". Stuff in parentheses means it was written on the paper. Stuff in brackets are my editorial comments.
When Cindy first showed me the list of questions, I ad-libbed answers to most of them. Here are the questions and my ad-libbed answers. If you have any comments, additional stupid questions, or other suggested answers, I'd love to hear 'em.
Q. How much of a discount does this card give? (guest shows a Universal Studios discount card) A. It doesn't give you any discount. In fact, you have to pay double to use it. Q. Where do we get tickets to Knott's? A. Leave the parking lot, get on to the 5 towards LA, and then exit in Buena Park. Q. Can I just go to the front of any of the ticket lines? [asked while working crowd control - otherwise known as "herding cattle"] A. Sure! Just don't ask for help when the people you've just cut in front of start beating you to a pulp. Q. Where's Michael Jackson? A1. He's at his plastic suregeon's. A2. He's in Never-never land, because we never never go there. Q. Can I have a solid dime? (Do we have unsolid dimes?) [we could never figure out what this meant] A1. No, didn't you know that dimes are hollow. It saves on costs. A2. No, Disney Dimes have a creamy filling instead. Q. Do you have Disney Dollars? (with a large sign declaring that I have them right above me) [with blinking lights as well] A. Yes, but they'll cost you extra. Q. Can we come back tomorrow too with these tickets? (one day only) A. Sure you can come back tomorrow with those tickets... It doesn't mean that you'll get into the park though. Q. How many tickets do we need? A. How many of you are there? Q. Do you sell tickets here? (at the ticket booth) A. No, we sell passports. Q. What time does Knott's close? A. I don't know, but if you call the Knott hot line, you'll find out. Q. How much money do we need to play these games? [in the arcades] A. It depends on how long you want to play them for. Q. Do you sell tickets to Knott's? [do you sense a recurring thread here?] A. No, and if I tried to, I'd be fired. Q. How much are the penny machines? [in the PENNY ARCADE] A1. Why? Would you like to buy one? A2. They're not for sale. A3. You'll need to go over to City Hall, tell them which machine you want to buy, and then they'll be able to look up the price for you. Q. Are you open? A1. No, I just thought I'd stand in this glass booth and watch everyone go by. A2. No, someone locked me in this booth as a punishment. Q. Do I have to pay to go in? [at the Main Gate] A. You could always try sneaking past, but then you'll only get to see "Jail-land". Q. What time is the 9 o'clock Electrical Parade? [this is one of the two favorites when I tell people about these questions] A1. 9 *P.* M. A2. It depends on where you're want to watch it. (seriously) Q. How much is it? (without telling you how many tickets they want) A1. A million dollars. A2. I'm sorry, my cast member training didn't include "mind reading". Q. Are you real or one of those electronic things? [while sitting in the booth at the Penny Arcade - this is the other favorite when I tell people about these questions] A1. guess. A2. This unit has developed a fault, please contact the lead cast member of the arcade and inform him/her. Sorry for the inconvenience. Cindy adds: A number of friends have suggested that I should have reached through the bars, grabbed the guest by his collar, pulled him to the bars and hissed, "I'm one of those mechanical things", and then put him down fairly roughly. I kinda like that suggestion... Q. "That game over there" ate my quarter. A1. If it didn't spit it out, it must have liked it. A2. Stick your finger down its throat and maybe you'll get it back. Q. I'd like five dollar bills and a dollar in quarters. (handing over a five dollar bill) A. Sorry, that will cost you a dollar extra. Q. Do you give change? (when "cashier" is flashing above me) A1. No, I only *take* money here. A2. Only if you give me money first. Q. I put a quarter in and nothing happened. (for a $.50 machine) A. It must not have liked it. Try again, maybe this time it will work. Q. Do you work here? Cindy's Answer: "No, I always dress in these stupid polyester clothes with my name emblazoned on a tag with Mickey's picture on it." A1. No, I just happened to dress like this today; How was I supposed to know that the people who work here where the same outfits? A2. No, I'm part of a barbershop quartet (if on Main Street). A3. No, some friends told me to come in costume, and this is what I happened to choose. Q. Can you show me how to play this game? [in the arcades] A. Sure, but I charge $40/hour for lessons. Q. I'd like 10 dollars in pennies. Cindy's Answer: No, you *don't* want $10 in pennies. A. Sorry, you'll need to go to the Bank to get that much change. Q. Do you take money and stuff? A1. Sure! What kind of "stuff" do you have that's worth taking? A2. Sure! We'll take you for everything you've got. Q. Do you get free quarters for being at Disneyland? A. Sure do, but I only get them once a month as part of my pay check. Q. You don't take credit cards, do you? (why ask in the negative?) [And it's a major tourist attraction and amusement park - wouldn't it be idiotic *not* to accept credit cards?] A. Sure, I take credit cards...don't expect to get them back though. Q. Do you give discounts to tourists? A. No, I don't give a discount to tourists, in fact I charge them 17% extra. Q. Do you have pennies? (in the Penny Arcade!) A. No, I only have nickels. Q. How many people have gone into the park today? (Yes, I counted every single one.) A. A lot. Q. Do you sell popcorn here? [asked to a castmember at a popcorn cart, which has a glass enclosure so you can see the popcorn with a big flashing neon sign that says "POPCORN"] A. No, I'm just making sure that nobody steals this cart.